Green over mean: Meet the tamer new Harley-Davidson

At first glance, to an idiot, it might almost, kind of make sense – bicycles have two wheels, Harley-Davidsons have two wheels, so why not make a bicycle with Harley branding and reap the inevitable riches?

I would like to count the ways why not, but unfortunately all of the servers on the internet combined would not be large enough to hold the list.

A few years ago, Harley-Davidson launched an electric motorcycle, the LiveWire, and that made the kind of people who love Harleys so much they have them tattooed on their back fat were upset, ropable, livid, enraged, gnashing their grillz-covered teeth.

Imagine the frothing outrage, then, when they learn that Harley-Davidson – the brand that represents the anthesis of cycling in that it is cool rather than tragic and lame – has entered into a project to make e-bicycles.

In terms of brand self-sabotage, this is right up there with Obama declaring white supremacists to be very fine people, or giant beer company producing alcohol-free beer. (What’s that? Heineken? You’re kidding? Let’s move on…)

Serial 1 Cycle Company, Powered by Harley-Davidson, is “recombining the freedom of a bicycle with the effortless joy of electric power to change the way the world moves again”.

All of that would be just so much harmless marketing type for a product I would never hear about except for those words – “Powered by Harley-Davidson” – words that promote visions of something sexy, or at least very, very loud and angry.

Not a bicycle. Please, no.

Apparently the founders of Harley, who are making revving sounds in their graves as we speak, affectionally called their first motorcycle “Serial Number One”, so that’s where the name comes from, and the idea is that the company is turning its attention to the “electric mobility sector”, which would be like Paul McCartney launching a range of wagyu beef.

The e-bicycle apparently does away with nostalgia and goes for a stripped-down, utilitarian aesthetic. I’m not sure about this, as I refuse to look at the photos.

I tried, but I felt woozy, and like I might not be able to enjoy Stranger Things ever again.

“The dynamic, fast-growing e-bicycle market is at the forefront of a global mobility revolution,” proclaimed Serial 1 Brand Director Aaron Frank.

“Offering the Serial 1 e-bicycles in dealerships across Europe allows Harley-Davidson to play a key role in this mobility revolution while allowing Serial 1 to deliver an unmatched riding experience rooted in fun, freedom, and adventure on two wheels.”

And it gets worse, because they’re doing special “1-Off Series” bikes and auctioning them off, like the MOSH/CHOPPER, which features “a long-and-low banana seat, supported by a custom stainless-steel sissy bar”.

Even typing that made me feel bad for Harley-Davidson fans.

Plus it’s got “a 60s-style “Street Freak” paint job, consisting of silver micro-flake basecoat covered in House of Kolor Oriental Blue Kandy and “finishings like intricate panels, freak drops, hand pinstriping and single-stroke hand lettering.”

Yes, it’s going to be tough not to make a joke about single-stroke hand lettering. The press release assures me that it’s all about the “instant adventure” of riding a pedal assist electric bicycle, but this contradicts so strongly what I envision when combining the words “adventure” and “Harley” that I find it hard to countenance.

The world, truly, has gone mad.