Why your kids want a (farting) Tesla, not a Ferrari

A red Ferrari F40. It was always a red Ferrari F40.

From about 1988 that was the poster on my bedroom wall, and it began an irrational passion for the Italian brand I can’t shake.

My kids? It’s a Tesla. Probably your kids too, if you have them.

My two offspring (eight and five) lived with a Model 3 Performance for just a week. We covered 1000km – from school runs to family road trips – and by test’s end they were dutifully worshipping at the altar of Musk.

In their innocent heads there are now cars, and there are Teslas. About a decade before they’re let loose on the road, both know exactly what car they want when they get a license. Forza Ferrari? God no. They’re hollerin’ U-S-A! U-S-A!

Fun for all

If you believe some of Elon Musk’s antics are comically childish, well, perhaps the world’s wealthiest man is on to something. He wanted video games in his cars. Check. He wanted fart sounds when you indicate. Check. A sketchpad on the giant 15-inch touchscreen? Check.

And while you’re charging up why not access Netflix, YouTube or enjoy a singalong from the Car-a-oke playlist? It’s like an entertainment megastore.

Buttons open the doors, not handles. There’s no metal roof – just a giant curved slab of glass. A credit card is your key, not a bulky fob. The boot and frunk open via your phone app. The same app can start the motor, cool the cabin or honk the horn when you’re miles away.

It’s just damn good fun. It’s the cool, funny kid at school everyone likes.

It’s why my two youngsters invited their mates round just to show them the Tesla’s coolest functions. They’d grab my phone and the demo would begin. Despite their age they did pretty good impersonations of Tesla sales staff. Ergo, their mates were duly converted into future Tesla buyers too.

Funny thing was, when dad or mum came to pick up their kiddies, I’d mention I had a Tesla in the garage. And who knew? They wanted to see the cool stuff too. Turns out no matter your age, farting indicators are always funny. Especially when there are six different noises to choose from – Short Shorts Ripper and Ludicrous Fart included.

Unlike anything else

Back to the kids. Unsullied with expectations of what a car “should” be like, they see the Model 3’s bare dash – no buttons, knobs, dials or gauges – and see only a whopping iPad. This, they like.

There are still the bits of “normal” cars they wouldn’t do away with – a luxurious-feeling cabin, leathery seats, rear air vents, etc. – but all the rest differentiate it from the other cars they’ve sampled. And, in case you didn’t know, kids want and enjoy shiny new things they’ve not seen before.

The deal is sealed with the drive. Not only is it silent, you press a button and the car pilots itself. There’s a ghost in the machine as the Tesla guides itself between the white lines, steering wheel moving without dad’s hands holding it. It’s magic, apparently.

Oh, and wouldn’t you know. It’s also a bloody rollercoaster. I stomp on the throttle and their little heads are pinned to the back of their child seats as 100km/h is found in just 3.3-seconds. They’ve experienced such speed before but never in virtual silence: their Nissan GT-R and Ferrari 488 GTB acceleration experiences were accompanied with a wall of (glorious) sound.

Unlike the aforementioned supercars and their nasty, irresponsible habit of drinking fossil fuels, the kids also think the Tesla is saving the planet.

I keep my mouth shut as they plug the Model 3 to our garage’s power socket to draw electricity from our coal-burning supplier. I’ll feel more saintly when we eventually fit solar panels.

Why can’t we keep it?

There was genuine despair when I told them the Model 3 was heading back to the dealership. “Why can’t we get one?” little Emilie said, still hungover from 90 minutes of playing Beach Buggy Racing 2 with the Tesla’s steering wheel and brake serving as controls.

“Because dad hasn’t got $100,000,” was my apparently unacceptable reply. She’d have looked less disappointed if I’d have put all her soft toys into the wood burning stove.

“You could sell your motorbike, or the house,” was young Jimmy’s suggestion. He too, has endured a period of mourning since we took away “The best car ever anyone has ever made ever…”

There are a number of Tesla Model 3s that live in our region, and when the kids now see one on the road they jump up and shout its name as if it they’d found a golden ticket in a Wonka Bar.

Hearts and minds thoroughly won, I’ll chalk this victory down to you, Elon. My children now only have eyes for a Tesla, and if your kids experience one, they will too. These electric marvels are the poster cars for the Zoomer Generation.

So can you imagine how disappointed my kids will be when I win Lotto and the first thing I buy is a Ferrari F40?