Melbourne: a city of big beards, OK coffee … and not many Teslas

Ah, Melbourne, so much image, so little substance.

Well, I say “image”, but actually, outside of Australia, most of the world is fortunate enough not to have heard anything about our second city and its absurd and embarrassingly widespread wankery.

(When you’ve been overseas, back when that was a thing, has anyone ever said to you “oh, you’re from Australia, which city, Melbourne?” No, they have not.)

It’s not just the bushy beards, the black clothing, the pretension that the city somehow invented coffee – Italians would be offended if Sydney said that, but they’re not really aware of Melbourne either – it’s the warped self image the place has.

People who live there manage to tell you, with straight faces, that the weather isn’t that bad, the constant mizzling rain doesn’t bother them and it’s all worth it anyway because they get to wear big coats.

They’ll also tell you how much more progressive, liberal, artsy and… wait for it, you know it’s coming… “cultured” Melbourne is. But that is, like everything else about that flat and featureless wasteland of un-Australian climate, a crock.

This was proven once again this week when EVcentral.com.au went on a Four Corners-style investigative deep dive into the number of Teslas sold in each State and Territory, to find out who’s actually putting their green where their green credentials are.

Sydney (and Mr Keating was right, if you’re not living there, you really are just camping out) is, perhaps unsurprisingly, the most ecologically right on city in the country. Suburbs such as the Sydney CBD, Vaucluse, Watsons Bay, Mosman, Bellevue Hill, Crows News, Lane Cove, Bondi, Baulkham Hills and Killara account for around one in 10 Teslas sold in this country.

And NSW as a state also kicks plenty of green goals. Despite only accounting for a bit under one-third of the population, NSW postcodes account for more than half the Teslas registered in Australia.

But what about Melbourne, those loud latte-loving lefties? Surely they ALL drive Teslas?

Sadly not. Early in 2020 there were just 670 Teslas registered in Victoria, less than 14 percent of the 4926 Teslas in Australia.

Victoria has just 10.0 Teslas per 100,000 people, by far the lowest ratio of the three most populous states. Of the top 101 postcodes in the country for Tesla ownership, just eight are in Victoria. The most popular Victorian suburbs for Teslas are the wealthy suburban enclaves or Brighton and Kew along with the Melbourne CBD. Each has 21 Teslas, making them equal 33rd of the 642 Australian postcodes with at least one Tesla registered.

Now look, I can hear the Melbournites dropping their keep cups right now to dash to their keyboards and have a go at me, while rubbing their beards in indignation. They’ll say that they’re still better than the rest of us because their city is so liveable – which I think means so flat you can ride a bicycle everywhere and bang on about cycling for hours – that they don’t need cars at all, so that’s why they don’t buy EVs.

But I’ve been there, unfortunately, and the traffic is woeful. They spend plenty of time sitting in cars and if they were anywhere near as progressive as they purport to be, there’d be a lot more Teslas. And their lefty Government would be rolling out charging stations and providing tax incentives – or perhaps even a deal where every fifth fine you get from their stupid hidden speed cameras gets cancelled if you drive an EV – but they’re not. 

What is the Victorian Government doing? Well, just yesterday it announced that it would follow South Australia’s backwards-walking lead by introducing a special tax on EVs. Something so stupid that even Boris Johnson would blush at the idea. Furthermore, it’s a tax that should, when it arrives in July next year, raise them about $2.50. But it sure will make anyone think twice about buying a Tesla, or any other EV. And Victorians really don’t need the discouragement.

Honestly, the place is all mouth and no trousers. Probably because it’s wearing those stupid AFL shorts instead.